yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
