And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Damn victory sex feels great
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
