I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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