Pants 0. Shit 1.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
