there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
