i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
