The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
