Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
