awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
