why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
