It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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