I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
