hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
