if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
