yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
