i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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