How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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