it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
