Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
