This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
