we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
