Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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