Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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