There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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