so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
