I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
