so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
