I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
