I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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