Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
