Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
