You can't motorboat a personality
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
