I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
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