He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
