How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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