she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
