so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She told me I should be a condom model.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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