I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
