i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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