please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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