My room smells like vodka and shame
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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