im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
