I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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