Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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