He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am naked and annoyed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
