His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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