You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
