why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
