spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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