dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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