Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
