I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
