maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
