I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
