ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
